Ugh, 3Journal, hey. I’ve been avoiding writing this. But my family are getting here any second, and I am losing my ENTIRE mind over it, so I figure this might be a good distraction. And I said I’d write whenever I was feeling like that, anyway, right? So, I’m doing that. Writing.
Life has been insanely busy this year. Classes are like, ten times harder than ever. Our Next Gen Plus responsibilities have us up late, and then up early, too. There’s that crazy stuff with Cybersoul and our brains and the chains and whatever THAT’S all about. And Yuna and I are trying to take things more seriously, and I’m trying to take everything going on with HER more seriously. Which is hard. Because it’s scary, sometimes. And I have to remember SHE’S not scary, but something inside wants to force her to be. And I think it scares her more than me. Man, okay, no, that deserves its own entry, so, uh, yeah.
But then we’ve got all this other stuff going on. Spooky ghost kids invading our dreams and visions. Hell-eyes glaring at us all freakin’ day. Adnan disappearing, and all the crazy stuff people are doing to try to fix that. My little yoga group in the mornings. That crazy stuff a couple weeks back with Elysium and the mall and. . .
Okay, so, yeah.
Took awhile to get there. Sorry. It’s been a whole thing.
I don’t know all the details, but I do know that Charlene really faced down some tough crap with a few of my friends awhile back. It almost got really bad. She’s hung out on that ledge a bunch of times over the years. And I can’t help but
There is an abrupt stop to the writing; another entry begins on the next page.
Chiaroscuro Duality Vol 3 – Delving into Our Demons
Relationships are Complicated
Ugh. Sorry, thought that was Devin calling, but it was just “Susan with the IRS.” Psh, whatever, Susan. Let’s start over, okay?
A couple weeks back, Deaglan helped me run a Demons & Delvers game here in my dorm while everyone else was out in town. He and Cass and Tim showed up to play, and Deaglan used some pretty sweet magic to help animate the grimdark world of Durafell, which was so freaking cool to see.
Except, well, it turns out I might have UNINTENTIONALLY written some of what’s going on in my life into the scenario I ran. I think that Deegs was reading WAY more into than was there, but I have to admit he made some good points right around when they were bashing Devos the Demonic Suitor to the Dark Lady of Durafell’s hand to death with a door about how maybe I need to work through some stuff with my family.
He also summoned some weird 1800s-looking suitcases that are labeled “Emotional Baggage” to cover up my laundry pile. They’re still here. Magic is weird. And Deegs is NOT subtle.
Anyway, point is, we all have to deal with crap in our past. It sounds like Charlene is really starting to have to face down some pretty serious demons. That whole being literal poison that can kill anyone instantly and painfully thing sounds like the absolute freaking worst. And I know that a lot of people in her life have made it worse than it had to be by treating her like a freak.
But, I mean, no one at Claremont is a freak, right? We’re all weird and crazy and gifted and powered and whatever else the government wants to label it, but the point is, EVERYONE here is like that. And even if most of them are INCREDIBLE wangs, so are the kids are Elysium.
So. . . why would any of us make Charlene feel WORSE about being the exact same as the rest of us? Like, what kind of douchebag would do that?
Well, fact is, that douchebag I’m writing about is—I know, this is going to shock you, 3Journal—me. I’m the one who was a complete and total wang to Charlene right at the start of freshman year. And I’ve been trying to ignore how she always tries to avoid me in the hallway and clams up when I walk by and never, EVER goes to events in the chapel, ever since then. Because I didn’t want to deal with how crappy I made her feel, because doing that made ME feel crappy. But that’s so freaking cowardly. And after all that stuff in the Fens last month, I am DONE being a coward, okay?!
So here we are then. I wrote her a letter. I’m going to get Reggie to pass it off to her, since I guess they’re friends, or whatever. He told me it was the right thing to do. She’ll probably just burn it to cinders. Like, I don’t deserve her forgiving me, I get that now. It’s not about ME feeling better. It’s just about trying to let her know that I shouldn’t have made HER feel bad.
And it’s really, really hard, even though I know that.
Anyway, I kept a copy of the first draft of the letter. Sorry for the handwriting, and all the ink marks. I figure you’d want to hang onto it for me, 3Journal. Thanks.
Between this page and the next is wedged a sheet from a Composition Notebook, or similar, a little smaller than the journal’s normal paper, and a different shade of white. It is covered in messy scrawl, replete with cross-out marks.
Hey, Charlene. It’s
Twi Bobby, from class. Well, I mean, we don’t have any together this semester, but you know what I me
Okay, sorry, I’m really bad at this.
I’m really bad at lots of things. Like not being a complete and total wang so
Look, I know that, like, you probably don’t want to hear from me, like, at all. I get it. I don’t even blame you for that. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either, if I were you and I had don
Ugh, sorry, that got confusing again. What I’m trying to say is that I was a complete
wan dou completely insensitive bully to you freshman year, in the chapel, when I told you to find your own place to brood.
I said that because I was trying really hard to seem cool and mysterious and sad and whatever else. I mostly just acted like a total tool, though. I’m kind of amazed ANYONE talked to me after those first couple of months of school. I was an absolute nightmare to hang out with.
Except, you never did. At first I figured it was just, you know,
wha random luck, or something. But eventually, I started to hear from folks that I’d really, really upset you that day. And that maybe that was why you never really seemed to want to hang out or talk.
And, because I was STILL a total tool, that hurt MY feelings, and made ME upset, because I didn’t know why you were treating ME like I wasn’t worth the time of day.
Like I said, tool.
I’m not saying I’m
perf all better now, or anything, okay? But I AM trying. And it took a lot of trying to make dum myself realize that I was the one who was out of line back there in the chapel, and that I owed you an apology, and that you didn’t owe ME anything.
And to be clear, I mean that. I don’t expect you to write back, or to forgive me, or to become my best friend, or whatever. You’ve got enough going on in your life without trying to deal with me and all my crap, anyway. I just wanted to let you know that I did something awful to you, and I realized that, and that I was sorry.
Anyway, uh, good luck with school this year.
Chiaroscuro Duality Vol 3.5 – Addendum to Delving
OMG 3Journal, uh, look, this isn’t a full journal, but you know those weird suitcases I was talking about? They finally disappeared! What the heck??
Oh, crap, that’s mom. Bye for no